Would you say what you say on Twitter if you were face to face with the person you were saying it to or about?
This is a question that I asked a couple of days back but one that I pondered last night as I lay in bed (sad…. I know) after witnessing a conversation between two Twitter users (that I didn’t really know and don’t think I’ve had any interaction with before) talking about me.
Who the participants in the conversation were and what they were saying isn’t the point of this post – so I’ll leave out the details – except to say that they were ‘critiquing’ the way that I do what I do and that they then started to move onto my character and got a little personal.
To be clear – the conversation wasn’t attacking, angry or spiteful – but at the same time it wasn’t particularly…. uplifting. As I watched it unfold I had a range of emotions and reactions including:
- Surprise – I’m still getting used to the idea that people would want to discuss me and what I do. I’m just a suburban dad who lives in a remote part of the world who happens to have a few websites (or at least that’s how I perceive myself). The reality is that I tie my name to my blogs – so I probably need to get used to this kind of thing.
- Interest – the topic behind their discussion was actually a good one and I usually do find critique of what I do helpful in improving how I go about my business – I just wished it hadn’t been personalized.
- Hurt – some of the assumptions and generalizations that were being made about me and what I do did hurt a little. While on one level I understood why they were being made and why someone might think along those lines it isn’t always easy to hear that kind of thing said about you – particularly when you’re reading them at 11pm at night after a long day.
I probably had a few other emotions and reactions mixed in with those. Part of me wanted to simply ignore it, part of me wanted to leap in and defend myself and justify why I do what I do, part of me wanted to unpack things more, part of me wanted to kick myself in the butt for allowing myself to be impacted by it….
In the end I responded to those having the conversation – I attempted to interact without getting too worked up (how well I did I’m not sure) and to their credit they seemed open to chatting. I do hope that the conversation can continue.
However as I lay in bed last night I began to ponder the situation and wondered how the situation would have been different in real life face to face interactions.
- Would they have had that conversation if they were face to face with one another?
- Would they have had it in the same way if I’d been there in the room with them?
- Would they have had it on a stage in front of 800
+ people (they collectively have 859 followers) with one of them being me? - Would they have had it on the same stage if the conversation was being videos and could be accessed by anyone at any time in the future?
I can’t answer the question for others – but I can think of times in my own use of Twitter where I’d probably answer ‘no’ to some (if not all) of those questions.
I’m not sure if this post is anything more than a cathartic release for me – but if nothing else it the situation was a reminder to me that when we interact on Twitter (and in any form of social media) that we don’t do it in a private vacuum. We interact in front of our immediate networks, potentially the networks of those who make up our own network, those we talk about and potentially anyone else who might stumble across it as it is happening or at some point into the future.
Update: – just as I finished writing this I stumbled upon this post about a conversation between a Journalist and a PR person and how the Journalist ‘lost it’ (warning: the post has some strong language in it). Not only was their conversation witnessed by their followers (1500 or so of them) but it was written about by others and became one of the most retweeted links on Twitter in the last 24 hours.
I’m not going to enter into who was wrong or right – but wanted to highlight that the two people involved handled the conflict in completely different ways – for all to see. Which one came off best? I’d suggest it was the one who kept in mind that they were in a public forum.
@thelostagency
great article, something that you need to consider everytime you talk about an actual company or person. You dont always know who is following your twitters or who is RT what you have just said.
remember if this is your brand, just remember you cant take back a tweet…
@shefaly
I have to cite my friend @madhousewife who says rude comments – I imagine including on Twitter – are the virtual equivalent of a dirty look in the real world. Some give those looks anyway – it is for their own satisfaction and we are not always privy to their thoughts.
So I add my own wisdom from a tweet: The web teaches us that most important skill we need – to ignore.
BTW why would anyone criticise you and your work? It is not as if they are doing it better than you are! Ah, I get it. Envy
Now that last line is what I really would say to someone’s face in the real world too
@mintblogger
Neat advice Darren. In the era of Social Media, our conversation streams are open and monitored by countless netizens.
The moment we forget this fact, things can become messy. Great post.
@bluewingz
I see a lot of comments on twitter that I don’t think I’d say to anyone, on a stage or elsewhere. But I can understand how easy it is to get into a conversation and forget that other people are watching. Twitter isn’t a personal instant messenger, and people forget that sometimes I think. What you say in front of all of your followers becomes who you are. Whether you like it or not, you get judged by the personality you display. And it can make an impact. Great post.
@mikeashworth
This might look a bit off topic however I think it’s kind of relevant to what goes on within the twitter environment.
One of the main challenges in a conversation that dos not take place face to face is the following.
A face to face convo, you get to pick up on the following
body language
intonation
words
Now, there are a few ratios bandied about however one of the more common ones is;
body language 55%
intonation 38%
words 7%
lets take a look at twitter.
you have no face to face so lose the body language straight away. you are typing and not talking so lets lose the tone as well (some might say you can tell the tone with the words and an emoticon -i’ll come on to this later)
This leaves us with words. discard this as well. twitter does not allow you to convey an idea or thought as you would like as it has only 140 characters.
This all equates to something very dangerous. its so easy to misread a message, and then the flaming begins.
With regard to the comment about tone. I responded to a tweet someone made not that long ago about old people (I wont say who, however they are quite well known) and they responded sayibg that they were being funny / ironic.
I did not perceive it this way yet the person said that it was my fault for misunderstanding the message. mmm, is it? Isnt perception everything? was I to then assume that all their tweets were funny, humourous, ironic, what might happen to the ones that were serious?
It’s an absolute nightmare.
Likewise I made some comments recently and they came across as judgemental. It wasn’t my intention so I apologised without question or argument.
They were right, and they always will be. Whatever I write is perceived in a certain way by someone and what they perceive will always be the measure of the message.
My intention counts for nothing if it isn’t immediately apparent upon one reading of my tweet, what I am seeking to convey.
It is not a “communication” tool in the true sense. I now treat twitter differently than I did a few weeks ago.
Mike Ashworth
@mr_carl_lee
Though I agree with the majority of the post, I do know some individuals that can’t bare to bite their tongues. Social media tends to gravitate to the youth, which isn’t to say all guilty are young, but many haven’t been “schooled” in etiquette. Common courtesy is a trait of a dying breed.
@tweric
People lose credibility when they talk behind anyone’s back. Gossip is alluring, but doing it detracts from your integrity big time.
Keep reminding Twitter users and other web 2.0 surfing aficianados: we are people. You are too. The speed and ease of use of new products changes how we interface in a way that demands continuous reminders of the human beings involved. To be or not to be…
@twintoddlersdad
I think your examination of your emotions in response to the discussion on Twitter is a great example of what I wrote in my guest post on this blog (http://www.twitip.com/manage-twitter-conflict/).
Congratulations on keeping your “cool”! No doubt, we can all learn a lot from the way handled this situation.
@kfasanella
These things really resonated with me -I have a blog too, well known in its niche but nowhere near as popular as yours, I’ve experienced these same reactions:
# Surprise -
# Interest –
# Hurt
I had to gradually come to terms with it, realizing that I was a “leader” no matter my reluctance to assume the position. The issue wasn’t whether I considered myself to be a leader but that others did. I agree there is dissonance within if you perceive yourself to be of humble origins (humble isn’t exactly the right word, I hope you understand what I mean).
I’ve found that once people realize you’re aware of their convos about you, they’re usually embarrassed and surprised you’d take an interest in them. I’ve learned to be more gentle in these situations.
In the end, there are two things that annoy me.
1. They attribute motivations or rationalizations to me or my actions that are truly alien. Not to say I’m not occasionally in denial or unaware of my own processing but some things come way out of left field and I’m left with the conviction that this is a reflection of what they are. In some respects, they unknowingly say more about their own character and ethics than they should want anyone to know. People see or read into things, that which they are.
2. Correcting misinformation. It is hard enough to sustain some of my controversial opinions (or even not controversial!) without others fabricating things I never said. It’s one thing to correct things I did say without having to correct things I never did. With regard to one person, I finally had to ask them to cease discussing me altogether or if they were, to cut and paste directly, that which they claimed I said. That stopped it because they could never find what they thought I’d said.
One last thing you didn’t mention was the tendency of some people to act passive aggressively. It’s absolutely bizarre. It’s as tho they are attracted to the allure of “icon toppling” for the sake of doing it rather than there being a justifiable reason for it.
@Lady_Hawk49
The internet creates such a false sense of anynomity and isolation that people become a bit more bold in their interfacing than would in a personal one on one situation. Would these two people have spoken this way face to face, or to you directly? Hardly. I have had several occasions on my Facebook site that were similar. Some posts that were made by friends or family and their circles were rather embarassing to me. I’ve had to either give stern warning or drop them completely. Some people don’t care, some people don’t think. You handled it well.
@brianlinton
Wow, I’m just getting into twitter and this is crazy.
What I don’t understand is that if you want to have a personal conversation with a person what is the difference between text messaging that person and twittering. It seems stupid to knowingly have a conversation like that reporter and media person in the article you linked on twitter.
So why not text message each other if it is that personal? Don’t most people use their phones anyways when tweeting…?
@stevejmoore
I liked this piece. Don’t tweet what you wouldn’t say to your mom, your co-workers, or your boss (unless your tweets are protected I suppose).
@tessgiles
I think that the part about self-image is really important and interesting – one person’s ’suburban dad with a few websites’ is another person’s network-leading influencer. It’s relatively easy to build tribes and influence on the web without quite realising the extent of it and what the backlash might be.
And I think Mike Ashworth’s comment about the non-verbal elements of communication is right on the money. The need to communicate nuance in writing should draw more skilled writing from us, but this is very difficult in 140 character tweets.
Ah well, we think you’re great, Darren!
@tumblemoose
One of the things that I’ve come to admire is that you have the ability and willingness to take a lemon and make a spot of lemon-ade. Sitting up at the top of the hill makes for an attractive target for some folks and when combined with anonymity (or near anonymity) some folks just can’t help from blathering on.
I would say that even those who say they would be willing to have the same convo would probably not do so, unless it was after a pint or two at the Cock & Bull.
Cheers
George
@notitles
I take everything on the internet with a grain of salt, but…
I’m glad you’re bringing this up because it’s something we all need to think about when we use social media. It’s become more of an issue for me as I start trying to use my blog in a more professional (but hopefully still fun) way. People I know are reading it, as well as strangers. It used to be something just for my close friends to read. Now, even my coworkers read it, which is great, but I do have to consider that some of the things I might have said when the blog was more private might not be appropriate to say with a growing readership. I also tend to have strong opinions about issues that I know some of my friends, family and coworkers will disagree with, so I wonder how the opinions I express on the blog and elsewhere (like twitter) will affect these real life relationships.
I think we walk a fine line between generating interest/conversation and egging on arguments. It sounds like you handled this instance well.
Hi Darren
I think your posts on Twitter are very interesting and informative. I am learning a lot from your “twitip.com site and it is now embedded in my blog’s sidebar. I can imagine how you must have felt when you “witnessed” the conversation you mentioned above. Is there not some form of “Twitiquette” to avoid such situations? I would think that making personal comments should be avoided as that is how problems can arise.
Janet
@thebenchs
Yes i juts tweet how i write.
@degenerasian
Twitter is just like any other medium in life. It’s about 95% good and the 5% bad gets highlighted.
Darren, I’ve been watching coverage of the fires in Victoria, I hope you and your friends/family are safe!
@mcmilker
Darren,
This actually came up quite a bit last night at The Shorty Awards. We gathered before the awards at a “winners dinner” and met some of the names behind the Twitter ids…they became real faces. As avid users we discussed issues of privacy vs publicity.
At the awards live tweets were shown on a screen tagged #shortyawards and we watched other Tweople talk about us, knowing they were standing somewhere in the room. It was a weird feeling and did cause me at least to stop and think about how my tweets are perceived!
Great post.
@lethalvb01
Darren,
That is good that you worry about that kind of stuff but you shouldn’t let it bother you too much. It comes with the job. Don’t be surprised that stuff doesn’t happen a lot more. People can be real douche bags just for the hell of it. I think it is important for you to step in and defend yourself if someone is trying to say untrue things about you. Remember, there is plenty of people out there who know you and will defend you.
I don’t know they were saying about you but it sounds like it wasn’t positive so you should step in and stand up for yourself. You sound like one of too nice guys. I have never met you before or have ever even chatted with you before but I can tell you are a pretty decent person. You have a nice brand and product going that helps out a lot of people.
That is good that you didn’t mention the people on your blog because that would have gotten them free promo that they don’t deserve. Anyway, just thought I would put in my two cents.
Hi Darren,
Thanks so much for taking the time to making us all aware of how we all communicate on Twitter.
David.
@scottbourne
Darren:
You hit on one theme in your post that really rings true for me. It’s my belief that it’s the lack of accountability is what makes the Internet “suck”. If the snarky, jerks who call people names, make fun of people who have problems, spread false rumors and outright lies—had to stand toe-to-toe with the people they attack, you can bet your bottom dollar things would be different.
If these tough guys faced the possibility of a punch in the mouth every time they attacked someone or acted out online, would they be so bold? Of course not.
@virtualimpax
Perhaps it’s the anonymity thing. Perhaps it’s because these jerks can’t see you and don’t think of you as a real person – a person with a family and feelings!!! Whatever the reason,social media appears to be getting more “brutal”.
There are a growing number of people whose social media strategy is to get recognition from themselves by attacking a pillar in the blogging community. I believe that’s why Kathy Sierra STOPPED blogging – because of the repeated attacks.
I certainly hope you don’t abandon us Darren! You certainly have many more fans than detractors!
@furiousdreams
Gossip is the lifeblood of humanity. If you look at Twitter in that light, what’s the difference between old water cooler sniping behind your back and the online version? My question is one of semantics; people talk about each other all the time, to their backs, their faces and in concert. Is there any real distinction on Twitter except that the world can see it?
So you get to hear everything said about you that previously was kept if not secret, at least tamped down. Once you put yourself out in the public domain (online), isn’t it natural that people would be chirping themselves silly? Bad press is better than no press at all.
Unless you want to enter politics…and then best to clamp down that Blackberry.
@coachdebbi
Hi Darren-
As always, your blog makes me think and raises intersting questions. I have been thinking alot recently about etiquette -or sometimes lack thereof – online and your post really kind of exemplifies what I have been pondering.
Do people just forget sometimes that they have an audience?
Or they seeking attention?
Are they making themselves feel more important by discussing well-known people?
Are these the same people who don’t filter in person either?
Do they need a copy of “Miss Manners?”
I wish I’d seen the twittersation (huh?) as I would have like to point out that I always find your tweets to be useful, informative, timely and worth reading. Thanks, Darren!
@warplayer
During the election, I tweeted out about a funny SNL skit, and I made sure to not include anything about my personal beliefs. Within seconds, I had a reply back from a marketing group (that will remain nameless) that is trying to use Twitter to build new business. Whoever was at their HQ that night manning the Twitter account felt it necessary to blast me, accusing me of getting my political beliefs and news from SNL. I was pretty offended, and didn’t know how to respond. Luckily, some of my followers jumped up in my defense and started broadcasting to all their followers to unfollow this company, citing their rude comments to me about my personal beliefs. I replied back, basically saying that I was totally taken back by their comment and couldn’t believe my eyes. I deliberately made sure I did not chide in and try to bash back, only express my astonishment. To my surprise, within 10 minutes I received a reply, apologizing for the outburst and informing me that the disgruntled employee should never had control of the Twitter account and had been sent home for the night.
I come to Twitter to have fun, and usually try to keep my negative moods or attitudes to myself, so to have such a vicious attack from a follower really hurt. People need to consider the time and care that others put into their network. It would seem that this unhappy employee got what was coming to him, which I must admit, really tickled me to see this business jump to and reprimand one of their own so sternly, publicly (albeit anonymously).
I’d like to think that it was the talk of the office for at least one evening.
@blaircam
You know, I reckon it could be mostly laziness. People are too lazy to take the private conversations they should be pushing through DM, and instead they tweet them to their general stream. It’s not like these kind of conversations never happen, we just usually make it happen behind closed doors IRL.
A great question Darren, and yet part of the issue is that all the scenarios you described are not the actuality of the situation. This conversation happened in the ‘Twitterverse’ (for want of a better description), which is just as ‘real’ as other conversations, but with different rules. That’s part of why there are so many articles and comments being made lately about the nature of conversations in the Tverse – the users and tweeters are working out the rules.
@foodeater
One day I found a website online by a singer that had a small sub-section on it that they had named the exact same name as my website/url/business. My site is about food not singing, so it seemed very random and irrelevant that they would use this term on their site. It kind of pissed me off as I’d been dealing with lots of content and photo theft issues around the same time, but I didn’t take it very seriously and didn’t think it was even worth contacting them about. I did feel annoyed by it though, so without thinking I posted a quick tweet along the lines of “who is [name deleted] and why they hell is she stealing my blogs name?”
That was it, and I forgot all about it. Many months later, lo and behold I get an email from this singer herself asking me why I wrote this nasty tweet about her. I was shocked and embarrassed. Apparently she’s not even a Twitter user but her husband had been doing random searches on Twitter, searched for her name and found my tweet from many months back.
It was an awkward moment to say the least! I ended up explaining to her the situation, told her that was my websites name and had been registered to me for a long time, and when I found her using it on her site it didn’t make sense and upset me… so I tweeted about it. She in turn had felt upset and offended to find this random tweet from a stranger asking “who the hell” she was, and she said she would have rather I’d just written to her in the first place to express my concern, and that she would have gladly changed the name to avoid further confusion. We worked it out eventually, I apologized for tweeting without thinking about the repercussions, and she was kind enough to change the name on her site.
While this is different from the situation you experienced watching people talk about you in real time, it’s a similar example showing how what you say on Twitter now without giving it much thought can definitely come back to haunt you later on. It’s certainly made me more considerate about what I say about other people and it’s taught me to stop and think things through better before I go and unleash upon the Twitterverse. I still say whatever the hell I feel like, but I still stop to think about what might come back to me later on when I do.
@lmighton
Wow. My first comment on this post is, do you ever sound like a cool guy. Seriously, I admire how reflective (and, though it so sounds so daytime-TV, how self-aware) you were able to be on this.
I don’t know if it’s true or not that the twitonversation between the national print reporter and marketing person made it to Daily Show and Colbert last night, but I do know that what happened with this exchange defines ‘viral’ better than any application launch, product launch or video I’ve yet come across.
@kanevianblog
People are always more “brave” when they have distance and some anonymity to protect them. I see this in virtual worlds a lot, it doesn’t surprise me that Twitter would be much different.
It’s great that you were able to look at their criticism and decide whether it was valid or not, most people would just write it off completely or even worse… argue with the people making the criticism instead of trying to have a conversation.
@thebenchs
Ups that was rude in a way, but goo dthing that you did help to make the conversation more emotionaly, because what thet say afect you by mena that you did a post mentionin it and could not sleep whit out think on it.
Some time some persons make or gide them self by what they feel at the moment and dont think on what there are reallys aying ithink thats what happend.
Thab you for the pots.
@CathLawson
Hi Darren – That must have been really hurtful. I found myself in a similar situation today. I had something bad happen to me recently and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it – so I emailed a so-called friend. Tonight, I received a nasty judgmental reply.
My first reaction was to burst into tears. Then I considered sending an equally cutting response. Next I re-read the email I sent, to see if it could have been mis-interpreted. Finally, I did what you’ve done and wrote a blog post about what I went through, which I’ll publish tomorrow – and that made me cry more. But when bad things happen, sometimes it’s good to cry. I just talked about what I’d gone through, I’m not sure if I’ll mention the email I received. Like you – I wouldn’t mention the name of the person who sent it.
I guess this is another advantage to blogging. Instead of jumping in too soon when folk upset us and making a hash of things, blogging gets you used to really thinking about a situation – and it’s also good therapy.
Also, I guess we’ve got to remember that when folk say mean things about it, it’s not often about us – it’s usually about something they’re going through themselves and they don’t necessarily mean to be hurtful.
@chrisdbiggs
Perception of reality defines most of our decisions. However you look and read into something is usually an indication of your emotions and current mood. Sure someone can piss you off and you can retaliate, but most often, miss communication and misunderstandings form the bases of most confusion and arguments in the world. Try walking a mile in another’s shoes next time before you jump the gun and critique or out right flame them.
Peace to all,
Chris
@luveiviti
Kia ora,
If you’re the Surburbandad that posts those awesome photos, cheer up as we subscribe to your feed. Its fun & interactive as well as down to earth. We love it. Keep it up.