YesterdayI saw the tweet of someone on Twitter telling another person that they’d decided to stop following me. His tweet was a little cutting and included the question (about me) ‘is anyone more tedious?‘
Ouch!
As someone who works hard at this social media and blogging game (and who makes a living from it) comments from others along these lines (and this one was tame in comparison to many I see) can be a little disillusioning.
So what’s a Twitter user (or blogger) to do when they lose a Twitter follower (or reader)?
note: I’m not suggesting that you do this with every follower that you lose – just those who do so in a public way. You could spend your whole life interacting with those who choose to stop following you!
1. Acknowledge the Persons Decision and Ask for Constructive Feedback
The first thing that I always try to do (and it can take some self control when people leave an an attacking way) is to respond to the person in some way to firstly acknowledge that you’ve seen what they’ve said, to farewell them from your network and to ask for feedback.
Usually I would try to do this in the medium that the person has made their public comment. So in the example above I responded with a public tweet – “sorry to lose you – happy to take some constructive feedback if you’d like to give it”
Responding in this way does a number of things:
Firstly it makes the person aware that you’ve read their comment and makes them a little accountable for what they’ve said. I’m amazed how many people respond sheepishly to these types of responses saying that they didn’t think you’d see it.
Secondly it opens up the lines of communication with the person and gives them an opportunity to voice their concerns. Quite often this can lead to an ongoing and constructive relationship.
Thirdly doing it publicly can involve your network in the discussion. I do sometimes have these conversations privately – but find that doing it in a more public way can actually be a real opportunity. You do need to manage it (as things can get nasty if you’re not careful) but if you keep things cordial it can be a worthwhile conversation to have in the open.
2. Assess the Feedback
If the person responds to your invitation for constructive feedback – take some time to ponder it and work out how it sits with you. In the case above the person was kind enough to feedback to me that he felt my Tweeting was a little too promotional and not personal and opinionated enough.
This is good feedback to get as it helps you gauge how you are being perceived.
Take some time to consider whether the feedback is valid and if you want to make some changes to your approach. To do this you really need to have thought through your goals for using Twitter or you’ll have nothing to put the feedback up against to see if it is valid for you.
So in the example above I heard the feedback but decided that it wasn’t overly valid for my situation simply because one of my goals of Twitter is to promote my blogs. I do include personal tweets quite often (in fact I have other followers complain that I am too personal at times ironically) but ultimately my use of Twitter is never going to be at the completely personal end of the spectrum.
This doesn’t make the feedback bad – it just isn’t something I’m going to make major changes to what I do as a result of.
3. Don’t Take it Personally
When I first started blogging 6 years ago I used to take these types of comments from readers who stopped reading quite personally. Any negative feedback or public comment was a slap in the face – a personal rejection that could send me into a bad mood and thinking gloomy thoughts about myself.
However after a year or two I realized that if I was going to interact online that I was going to have to change the way that I dealt with public critique – it just wasn’t healthy to allow what others said about me to impact what I thought about myself.
I’ve written about this at ProBlogger previously as I think it is very relevant to sustaining yourself as a blogger over the long haul but it is relevant for Twitter users too.
Your self worth shouldn’t come from what others think of you. In fact most people DO get a sense of self worth from what others think about you – but this isn’t that healthy as there are times in all of our lives when others don’t think great things about us.
Self worth needs to come from something deeper than the opinion of others. For me it is tied to my spirituality – for others it might be tied to other things – but as someone operating in the rough and tumble of the online space – don’t fall into the trap of allowing the words of others to determine how you feel about yourself.
4. Release Them Graciously
After I’d assessed the feedback of the other person in the example above I responded to them that I had no hard feelings and thanked them for their feedback. I explained a little of my situation (ie that I have some followers who want less personal interaction and others who want more) and then left it at that.
My approach these days to followers (and blog readers) is simply that I don’t want people to follow me who don’t want to be following me. It might sound a little obvious but I’d rather 100 followers who are fully on board, who enjoy what I do and who are finding it to be useful than 1000 people who are reluctantly following.
Those who buy in and who become ‘loyal’ are a wonderful thing on Twitter but disgruntled followers don’t do you, them or anyone else any favors – release them, wish them luck, suggest others that they might find more useful to follow. End the relationship as well as you can.
I find that when I do this that it helps me to move on, that the other person comes away happy and that your wider network can be injected with a little energy and inspiration.
5. Don’t Buy Into Personal Attack
The example that I’ve shared above all ended nicely. The person no longer follows me on Twitter, I have no hard feelings, no angry words were exchanged…. it was even a pleasant exchange. However it doesn’t always go like this.
If thing turn sour and get personal (either as a result of someone else’s actions, your own or a combination of the two) I generally would do two things:
- go private – I’ve rarely seen resolution to a dispute in a public online setting. Things tend to blow up, others get drawn in, egos come into play and there are rarely any winners.
- disengage – if you go private and things continue to go nasty and you’ve tried to sort it out with no results I would usually then disengage. There are times when relationships are just toxic and it does no one any good to keep engaged. The amount of time and energy that these interactions can take is just amazing. I’m all for trying to come to some sort of reconciliation but there are times when it just isn’t possible.
- self control – when things go really bad it can be very difficult to disengage and you just need to be incredibly self controlled in what you say publicly. My approach is to not respond publicly unless someone says something that is damaging to my business, family, brand etc – and even then I only try to respond with facts so that others seeing the comments have two sides of the story. It’s not easy to do this though when the exchange has become heated.
6. Keep Perspective
At the end of the it is good to remind yourself that while sometimes the words and actions of others can sting a little that the reality is that another person (a stranger more than likely) has just decided that they just don’t want to follow you on Twitter.
In the scheme of things it isn’t a big deal and probably doesn’t really warrant too much of a response at all (which makes me wonder a little why I wrote this post). Keep it in perspective, use it to drive you to be more useful in the medium and keep Tweeting.
@alisabow
For what it’s worth, I follow you and have never thought “tedious” when I’ve read one of your tweets. I think your advice here could also apply to bloggers who at times need to respond to negative comments and to troll comments (I suppose they really are two different things, with the negative comments being “feedback” and the troll comments being “trying to irritate the blogger.”) It also works in real life, too, when people get miffed and talk about you behind your back. It’s amazing that most people just want someone to hear them–once they realize they’ve been heard, all of the anger and negativity dissipates.
@tumblemoose
A situation like this can be a real test. It’s pretty easy to get sucked into a vortex that in the long run is actually more damaging than not responding at all.
Part of the balancing act here is making the decision to continue the discussion in private or to keep it public and I think there needs to be some real introspection regarding any benefit for the public readership. If there is some benefit that can be realized in terms of a lesson learned then that’s great. If the lesson is, “Hey, I’m right and you’re an idiot” then the convo needs to get buried beneath the surface clutter.
In these cases temperance and experience are the order of the day.
Cheers
George
@thomasflight
I saw you do this just a little bit ago on your twitter account, Darren.
If you find yourself feeling to offended by these people then just stop using Quitter or checking to see who has un-followed you.
@calgreg
My initial reaction to your post was to say that it may be better just to ignore the person and move on.
But I changed my mind. If someone is dissing you then I think it would be best to do what you suggest. Find out why? Perhaps there is something very valuable to learn from that person.
@ner1
well, to each his own i guess. twitter’s becoming a tough world also. great points. i’m still following you though. ^^
good day
@tumblemoose
@Thomas: I did not get the impression at all that Darren was offended. (?)
I think it’s an appropriate management tool to watch these kinds of things and perhaps spot trends that may need correction. If I see a bunch of unfollowing then I need to try and evaluate what happened. Addressing the problem is not an indication of being offended, it’s an indication of doing my job.
Cheers!
George
@ramkitten
I find that I tend to focus on the one negative comment rather than the dozens of positive ones. But I guess that’s not unusual. I’m finding that, for me, though, generally just letting it go seems to work best. Again, that’s for me. Depends, of course, who it is, how long the “relationship” has been, and, honestly, how important that person is/was to me or my reason for doing something (ie blogging, twittering, etc.). Of course, if there seems to be a trend, I would want feedback so I might examine what I might be doing to turn people off. I was interested to read your blog entry about this subject, because I did recently get a somewhat biting comment on one of my blogs.
@ShriNagesh
I agree that its not a personal attack, for atleast someone like me who prides abt tweeting useful info atleast once in 5 tweets. I follow self-enforced twitter etiquette and I don’t see a reason why somebody should stop following me. If they did, I have no complaints against democracy on twitter. But I do Unfollow them, as I need to save my 2k limit for someone who wants friend me.
Despite my efforts, a tweeter msg’d me saying his twitter stream is filled with my tweets n so was blocking me. Now that was unexpected. Upon a little investigation, I realized that he was new, was following only 10 people and when he signed in he cud see only my tweets. Lol, I felt funny, sent a sorry n thank u msg for teaching me a new lesson.
@youngistaanblog
Such a nice post Darren.. ..
@Miss_Corrine
I couldn’t agree more with Alisa Bowman’s comment – I follow you on Twitter, and think that you’re (without question!) one of the most intriguing people on there! This was a really interesting article, with lots of fantastic advice – I particularly liked the ‘Don’t Take It Personally’ section – thank-you!
@karmali
Darren,
Twitter doesn’t allow you to DM someone who’s not following you, so responses will have to be public – initially at least.
I sometimes respond publicly even to folks that have un-followed me silently – those that I want following me. I just say “@, I realized you’ve stopped following me and I’d like to understand why. I’m following you, so if you can send me a DM, I’d really appreciate it.” I’ve got a response almost all the time.
@hectorhenry17
You are right, sometime in my case when they do stop fallow me i try tou ask why, but the dont answer, and its disapointed because i dont know what i did bad, and the mots part of the time its not my fult.
Good pots for doze that had a dab expricience whit some one that dis fallow them it might be really hard.
@UnbalancedLibra
What about when you follow someone and they do not follow you back? You certainly cannot ‘interact’ with them, not even through direct messaging, if they are not following you.
I realize some people follow others just for a knowledge base – to be up o the latest. However, if it’s for socializing and interaction, it’s a two way street.
So, what do you suggest?
@Magganpice
One of the good parts about being in a conversation is that we are so diverse. People don’t tweet like I do, they don’t tweet like you do. Of course I have to decide for myself that different colors of tweeters are a nice thing – even if those people don’t all tweet as I would.
How boring it would be if everybody found my way of tweeting the best way! People unfollowing may be sad (and I would wish it to happen less) but it shows that you’ve hit something and made someone think. Good.
@enidhi
Twitter doesn’t alert you when someone stops following you… One will have to manally trace it… we can see the number of followers going down, but identifying who it is is tough… any solutions?
@ekmedia
good for you for maintaining control. i get offended easily and take things like this personally. your tips will prove to be helpful, i’m sure
@johnwelsh
Thanks for the post. As always really thought provoking!
I am just about or have already stopped following five people, all high profile in social or new media. My Tweet followers/following are my way of honing my community building skills. So my criteria are everything and, however excellent their other activity, their Tweets don’t meet them.
But you are right. It certainly is not personal.
Look at what you wrote during the time you lost subscribers.
@websuccessdiva
I’m not sure this is scalable or realistic. There are a ton of reasons people unfollow, I think this more applies if they’ve stated a reason why publically or given you notice of why
Thanks for the insight!
@NancyMarmolejo
Unfollowing someone on Twitter is like unsubscribing from an ezine. It’s not always personal- sometimes it might be overwhelm or the desire to simplify. I wouldn’t take it personally, the quality of our contacts is what counts and if it’s not mutual, then what’s the point of continuing?
One thing I wouldn’t do is pursue the person asking for feedback. It’s none of our business why people drop off, and you can set yourself up for attacks. Allow people the freedom to follow or unfollow at will and focus instead on the people who absolutely adore you!! (And Darren, I adore you so for what it’s worth, let my admiration outweigh the sourpusses)
@the_gman
I like how you have a place for your Twitter ID in your comments.
Anyhow regarding the post. I think this may be a good idea every once in awhile but no matter what a resource you are or how much you contribute to the community you can’t be all thing to all people. I could see making such a reply if someone made such a statement in the public timeline as in your example.. However like you said you could spend you entire life dealing with people who unfollow you. For that reason I personally wouldn’t put a lot of time or effort into something like this.
@artofthfirebird
This is an aspect of Twittering and Twitter users that I still just don’t get — the way that some people’s egos and self-esteem get wrapped up in their number of followers. That’s not how self-worth should be measured! It’s far better to focus on being the best “you” possible, since you can’t please all the people all the time.
Try a more Zen approach. Do what you do best, whether it’s with Twitter, blogs, or whatever; do it the best that you possibly can, and give those looking for something else your blessing to go find it without offense or ill will. Twitter is just another tool in the toolbox, after all.
@mombloggersclub
Thank you very much for this post. I’ll be coming back to it again and again.
@wendybythesea
Great article. This was so timely for me because I was just analyzing the people I follow and unfollowed a couple of them. You are one of the people I follow and I was trying to determine why I kept you but didn’t keep the two other people that make tweets similar to yours. I was hoping I could learn something from my own personal choice.
For me it was really just “bang for the buck”. I don’t follow a lot of people because I personally like to read all the tweets I get. You post fairly frequently, but almost always what you post is useful in some way.
Then again, I haven’t been using Twitter that long either. I’m not as savvy about managing all the information like some people seem to be!
@storyboardlife
Right on Darren…if twitter and blogs are for conversation then we should find out why someone invested time to follow us before but then change their mind.
@overnightsite
I have so many followers that I don’t know when they come and go, and I have never been attacked. I think i’m a good twitterer
@virtualimpax
I once had a co-worker who embraced the philosophy that he was a complete and utter failure if everyone liked him. It was a real shock to me because I’d been raised to be a people pleaser. Working with him wasn’t easy but it was definitely a “growth” experience.
When someone publicly “hates” on you (as they did in your case) then you owe it to yourself to find out “why”. Sometimes you’ll learn that it’s nothing more than haters just want to hate. Other times, you might learn something you needed to know.
I think you handled this situation beautifully – as always Darren!
@samarowais
I honestly feel that almost every one on twitter is promoting one link or the other. It starts getting monotonous after a while (not to mention the amount of time I waste browsing once I start!). But the feeling evaporates every time I find a gem through the links.
Twitter effectlively and quickly teaches us not to take things personally when it comes to followers leaving. You can lose as many as 50 followers in a day for no apparent reason and gain as many in a day. I gained 14 followers today – and I’m not sure why.
@TheMogulMom
Same thing happened to me–a person new to Twitter unfollowed me because I was “spamming” her. She had a limited number of people she was following and thus, my tweets seemed like spam. I guess. She DM’ed me to tell me but I couldn’t DM her back because she quickly unfollowed me after her DM. So, I @ed her to apologize & wish her well. Never heard back. Then, I found a post on her blog all about “Twitter spammers”, including me. I left a comment but she’s yet to “moderate” it. All I can say…I have 1300 followers and she has 50. This was a first time complaint about my tweets and I’m hoping it’s the last. As much as you try to ignore it or brush it off, it does get to you a bit.
@vlb
Unbalanced Libra asked about following people who don’t follow back. Much as I like it when people I follow follow me back, I can’ really object when they don’t because I don’t reciprocate with everyone who follows me. I wrote up my follow policy (linked to my name on this comment). There are things I’m interested in reading and things I’m not.
Sometimes, after following for a while, I change my mind. I decide that the person doesn’t meet my criteria after all. Or maybe it was something they said that just didn’t work for me. Or I realize that after following for a while I don’t have a sense of “knowing” this person at all. Maybe my reasons can’t be explained.They’re almost never a reaction to one Tweet (this is why I think Qwitter is dangerous and inappropriate.)
But I would NEVER tweet that I’m unfollowing someone and especially not that I thought the person was “tedious”!
@radix33
Along the line with Heather’s thinking, with hundreds of followers, why would you bother with one disgruntled follower? Unless that disgruntled person is of influence or someone I know well, I wouldn’t care too much about it.
“Life goes on.”
@dantanner
People come in all sizes, nothing fits all. You are going to have bad vibes with some no matter what. But people are generally nice on twitter because their identities are known to some extent via a website or blog and face is put to it. You should see the nastiness when its all anonymous on some boards ..
Anyway tweeting about personal stuff never loses followers. What loses followers if you go commercial in every tweet and use Twitter as Megaphone for your marketing. MagPie is another sore thumb adopt it cleverly or you will lose followers.
PS: My comments show up as anonymous and do not always fill in. I do not know what the problem is
@dantanner
I just posted and the comment completely vanished! What gives?
@PaulaBrett
I witnessed this going on `live’ so to speak and thought you handled it masterfully, lol.
I’ve never found you tedious, I enjoy your mix of personal and promotional, think you’ve got just the right balance.
Keep up the great work.
Merry Chrismtas
Paula
@geekmommy
Great post as usual Darren.
Now, what are you supposed to do when you choose to politely disengage and whomever you stopped following it takes it badly?
That’s the tricky one from here. Some people don’t take “I think our paths have diverged” well. I’ve even unfollowed someone without comment and had a stream of invectives follow about how I’m so horrible and awful for unfollowing that person.
Well, that will hopefully be the next masterful twitip post!
Thanks again as always!
@remarkablogger
There really are some high-profile people on Twitter who haven’t really grasped what Twitter is all about, yet, or who aren’t really providing any real value to me, and I’ve unfollowed them.
But what’s amusing about this incident you describe, Darren, is that I’ve been following you on Twitter for a while and I can say from memory that your tweeting has improved. You were bound to get a good number of followers because of the high traffic your blog gets. But you’ve taken Twitter and really gotten into it. I’ve noticed your mix of tweets is varied and contains high-value links and interesting replies to others. I can tell that you’re really trying to provide value (kind of the opposite of tedium). So it’s kind of funny to me that someone would stop following you because they thought you were tedious.
The way I look at it is that if my followers are growing, I just don’t sweat the unfollows. Sure, people will unfollow and have their reasons, but whatever. Unless the ship is sinking, you’re generally doing things right.
@joycloete
It doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t provide value to them so that’s why they unfollowed me. Either that or they were hoping that I follow them back. And when I didn’t, they unfollowed.
I’d rather have 50 followers with whom I interact than 500 spamartists who never interact with me.
Great post!
I normally don’t unfollow somone until they do the following:
1. Take over the whole twitter page with over 15 post within half an hour. I mean, I would like to see what other people are saying too, not just yours.
2. When they think it’s okay to swear and use foul language on twitter.
3. Spam me
I see these things as common courtesy. When someone unfollow me, i respect their decision.
It is also a common courtesy not to talk about a person negatively in public. I think anyone doing that is damaging their own reputation.
People can be their own executioner…
Great post. However I think it’s missing one thing. The old “get a life” disclaimer. This is a geeky tech thing that will most likely be replaced by the next great geeky tech thing sometime in the near future. You didn’t lose a real friend – someone you don’t know, never met and have no emotional attachment to simply isn’t reading your stuff anymore.
Get over it, move on, and remember what’s important. If you place any personal value on your follower count then you need to get a new life, because your current one is bordering on pathetic.
Several people here have posted the best advice. Follow who interests you and the rest is irrelevant. The people you interact with are the only ones you care about anyway, so why should it be different for other people.
@dominiquegoh
Great article. I had a slew of Quitter e-mails today after I posted a twit looking for constructive suggestions on a site revamp I was doing. After going through the list most of them were people who I didn’t follow back as I didn’t feel I could associate with them. If I was following them and they unfollow me I would mutually unfollow
Anyway I take it as opening new spaces on my twitter limit for more relevant people to interact with.